My Toxic Relationship~

I was in a toxic relationship with alcohol. My two plus, decades long addiction created someone whose life was dictated by the alcohol. It was wonderful in the very beginning, but quickly the red flags started waving in the wind. I ignored them; hated them; justified my way around them.

It was an off and on again relationship for years. I tried really hard to have a “normal” relationship, but found it difficult not to engage in its cunning chaos. I tried to get out numerous times, but was quickly pulled back into the familiar arms of how it made me feel, even though I would quickly regret the return to the vicious cycle. The relationship always brought me down mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But I kept reaching for it, because I had to. I was broken, despised myself, couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror when I walked into the bathroom.

What I was most afraid of doing was really reaching out for help. I couldn’t imagine my life without drinking. I was afraid to reveal my secret to the world. That meant admitting I didn’t have my shit together, that I wasn’t the perfect wife, or the perfect stay at home mom. In my view everyone else had their shit together, and I was flawed somehow.

What a sense of relief it was to finally say out loud that I was suffering and needed help. I had backed myself into a corner, with no way out but to surrender. I had to be done with my relationship with alcohol. I was finally set free from a chaotic life of letting the alcohol dictate my world.

What are you afraid of doing that will set you free?